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Feb. 7th, 2013 @ 01:02 am I have
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: helen jane long
only myself to blame. Only my Dx to be angry at. And only myself to work on. I am worth it, she is worth it, love is worth it... ready set go..... one foot in front of the other....

I will always love David Bowie.

My adoration for you still remains unchanged. I will still walk across lands, swim across seas, and learn to fly if that is what you asked of me. I love you more today, than I did on the day I changed my world to live in your arms.
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Dec. 16th, 2012 @ 08:15 pm testing testing
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Oct. 23rd, 2012 @ 11:51 pm remembering
those rainy days when morning turned into afternoons in what seemed like minutes. My head on your perfect chest listening to your heart. What have we become my love? You are no less perfect than the morning I laid eyes on you, I remember it like it was yesterday. You made me shy, no one makes me shy, and the truth is, you still do.
Nothing has burned so hot as your skin against mine.
"magnets" you say, and we will always be..... why can't I have faith in that? Is it because everytruth, one day, will lose it's truth, become the empty shell of itself?
I gave up all I knew to be with you, and would give up worlds upon worlds all over again to have experienced this.....unnameable thing we have..
You are by far the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes upon.... and will be, as long as I have sight. No one has known me like you have, though some have known me longer, you know me best... I hate it, and love it..
I'm still giddy at your call. I still watch you sleep in the mornings.

This sober love, better than any dream in all it's pristine pleasure, in all its bitter pain.

And every morning, remind me, I will beg for just 24 more hours.
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May. 23rd, 2012 @ 08:24 am Pics
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished

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May. 23rd, 2012 @ 08:20 am (no subject)

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Apr. 25th, 2012 @ 03:44 pm I can't remember
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
the last time I posted in this journal. I have been using another one for about 2 years now. I guess it was a new beginning for my new beginnings. So much in my world has changed. I have learned so much over the last 2 years, much pain, much joy, many lessons, no regrets. There are things I wish I could have done a little differently, but it's a lesson that we all do the best we can with what we have at any given time. I have experienced a love, an intensity that shadows anything I have ever known. I have gained so much, and experienced many losses, I have been betrayed, and have betrayed, I have given of myself, and taken too much from others, I have learned to be true to myself. I have experienced recovery on a whole new plane, and even when I have days that feel like I might just drop dead from pain (physical or emotional or even both) I am grateful for the journey I have been on, and continue to travel the road to happy destiny, one day, and often one minute at a time. I have been blessed with a body that has taken a beating, and although it betrays me at times, and falls short, but it's mine in all its beauty, in all its story telling scars, in its strength, in it's weaknesses. There are days when I can run miles, and days when getting out of bed seems daunting, and I have learned to take the good and the bad without bitching too much.
I have seen, touched, felt, and witnessed my higher power in action.....and for this.. I am grateful
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Oct. 3rd, 2011 @ 01:53 pm New
this new type of relationship, very different, different communication styles..completely.., different expectations..I sometimes wonder if I can do it....

I really try to work hard to be the woman I am intended to be, by whoever the fuck my higher power for the day is. Apparently I need to work harder, much harder.... diligence, Rach, is the only way.... I'd often like to diligently run my head through a wall....

I guess this means its time to pick up the book, read, and write...

I have a new sponsee, thank god for her... she keeps me connected, because I am accountable to her, to walk her through the steps to the best of my ability with god's help.... as soon as I get a few more things figured out, start working with a new sponsor (if nothing else at least in addition to the one I am working with now), and figure out this disability, school stuff, then I will be available to take on a couple more sponsee's..

I think I'm hungry..
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Mar. 21st, 2011 @ 08:47 pm (no subject)
she's my coconut
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Mar. 8th, 2011 @ 07:45 pm life is
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
so very different today than it's ever been, than I had ever imagined it would be, and I am ok.....ish

Chronic Pain Fucking Sucks....
that being said, doing pain management in sobriety really fucking sucks....

I have not smoked, snorted, or otherwise allowed meth into my body in over 3 years. I have not taken a drink in almost 21 months. I have not taken a medication that was not for me in 8 months. I have not smoked marijuana in probably 3 and a half years or so. Thank god for all of the above. It makes no sense that I have remained sober throughout all of this, but then again, it doesn't have to makes sense.
In the last year and a half it has gone from what felt like a pull or strain from lifting a patient, to now having neuropathy completely down one leg, and making its way down the other. I have experienced pain far worse than I have ever known. I am 30 years old, and rejoice when I have a day that I can clean my own house. I spent the majority of the weekend in the ER with them not entirely successful at controlling my pain. The leg pain can be so bad, that I would pray for amputation if I wasn't so certain that I would end up with the worlds worst phantom pains, and a peg leg. lol. I see a Neurosurgeon soon, and am trying not to view the possible upcoming spinal surgery as a replay of the oh so well knows scene from predator where the entire spinal corn is ripped out.
However, I continue to be grateful for all that I have in my life, and just as importantly, all that I do not. I am filing a divorce from a woman who was everything I had ever wanted and needed when that was what I wanted and needed. I have changed, as have my wants and needs. This split has been one of the most painful and ugly things I have known. It's hard watching someone you care about not have the tools to handle things without explosively making them worse. I'm hurt, I'm mad, but mostly I'm just saddened.

I live alone in a fairly large house, and other than the fact I need to call on friends to help me with things here and there, I love it. I have two humongous and incredible dogs that just light up my life. I have an amazing girlfriend who shares my desire for a spiritual solution today. She lives out of town, for now, but will hopefully be coming home to me in the not toooooo distant future. I have never been one for patience, but am learning that this isn't my plan anymore, and acceptance is the only thing that will keep me semi sane.
I have found a woman who I can say is truly meant for me. There is a level of intimacy that is beyond anything I have ever known. A trust that is better than I could have dreamt of. She not only allows me to explore new parts of me, but encourages, supports and (thank god) participates without the putting me down for it that I had grown accustomed to. I don't have to pretend I am a Vanilla Bean.
I haven't eaten meat in over a year now, and I love it. I have learned new ways of cooking, new ways of eating, and a new way of living that has taken off 40 lbs since I left my wife.

That's my story, and I am sticking to it.
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Feb. 8th, 2011 @ 09:53 pm I think
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
the worlds cruelest joke, is to allow a persons heart to truly love 2 people, and to have them both love you back.... ]
It's a fucking curse....
We spend our entire lives looking for a person to love us, to have images of you dancing throughout their views of what the future looks like.... When we find that more than one person sits in that place, and that we in fact feel for both, there is no right move.....there is no direction that would do anything short of carve your heart into pieces and leave an ache in your chest....
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Oct. 27th, 2010 @ 03:53 pm (no subject)
funny how love shows up...when you least expect it.
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Oct. 13th, 2010 @ 04:01 am (no subject)
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Wow. Just wow. Wait, not just wow, more like OUCH!
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Sep. 16th, 2010 @ 04:32 pm alone
So I am living alone in a tiny apartment downtown. Roni and I are going to a couples therapist....sigh....
I haven't lived completely alone in a long time, there is something liberating about autonomy. My neighbors are insane....certifiably, I'm not just saying that..

The heart is a strange thing..the push and pull of emotions, fears, desires are as constant as the waves..never the same pattern, but still forever there.

I have felt things I didn't think I would ever do, said things I was sure I would never say, and done things I thought I would never do. My heart has been torn, and like a torn piece of paper, the edges are jagged and it seems they can't line up again to be repaired.. Will they ever?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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Sep. 6th, 2010 @ 09:36 pm changes
So I have single handedly pulled the world down around me. Made some not so cool decisions and caused some serious heartache to more than one person. I suppose I now have a little better understanding of what we can do when we are sick....what others have done to me, because they were sick. Makes me less angry and resentful, and more sad for the way they must have been feeling. This fucking hurts.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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Aug. 13th, 2010 @ 12:06 pm no go
this month is a no go. I reacted well, too well to the clomid, and hyperstimulated my left ovary. I now have a good sized cyst that has to resolve before we continue....
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Aug. 13th, 2010 @ 07:48 am US day
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: traditional arabic channel on pandora....great morning meditation stuff
I have an ultrasound at 10 today...day 4 of my cycle...soooooo..since my cycle was only 25 days....I am supposed to be inseminated on day 11.... hmm that means in 7 days.. which is........my bday....

what a gift....
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Aug. 12th, 2010 @ 03:15 pm I can't remember
the last time I stood in the eye of my own pain and shit storm like this. Yeah I can remember.....
the wounds remember where to bleed... they haven't forgotten.
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Aug. 11th, 2010 @ 07:23 am more baby dancing
so I was supposed to get my bloodwork done on the 12th... it was planned that day so that it would be done when i was supposed to be ovulating, however the fact that aunt flo came and kicked me in the hooha something fierce last nite, means i missed my window of time to get that specific blood work done.. dammit..this also means this last cycle was a mere 23 days long. this may make planning the insemination day a little tricky, and could possibly mean that we wait another month before we inseminate, to make sure we have it down exacctly....
my major thought here, please god, a cancer....maybe a virgo.....but please, dont make me raise a leo.
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Aug. 5th, 2010 @ 07:15 pm my guts
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
have been turned inside out.
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Jul. 25th, 2010 @ 09:20 am hornones
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Jul. 24th, 2010 @ 11:32 am day 3
ok day 3 of clomid...can't keep my food down, and am having some interesting emotional mood swings going on.this oughtta be interesting... if this is apreview into what pregnancywill be like....oh lawdy...
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Jul. 21st, 2010 @ 10:03 pm clomid
Current Mood: excitedexcited
guess who starts her fertility meds tomorrow..yep me..that's who...we could be pregnant by september...

I know I should pray for things for myself..maybe I am sorta praying for others sanity too when I say this..but... God please let me get pregnant in the beg of sept and not later on that month, I would really prefer a Cancer baby to a Leo.

who am I kidding. My baby will be perfect no matter what.
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Jul. 18th, 2010 @ 12:13 am stolen
1. What time did you get up this morning?
initially at 645, but really got up around 9

2. How do you like your STEAK?
I used to like it pretty rare..but havent eaten it in half a year.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
shrek 3

4. What is your favorite TV show?
too many to list

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
somewhere pretty and liberal

6. What did you have for breakfast?
nothing i think.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
sushi, or thai, or shellfish

8. What foods do you dislike?
lima beans, mushrooms, avacados

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

10. Favorite dressing?
ranch for some stuff, but mostly basalmic

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
00 maxima

12. What are your favorite clothes?
summer dresses

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
umm I drank it all, sorry

15. Where would you want to retire?
beach house

16. Favorite time of the day.
it depends

17. Where were you born?

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
naked girls..oh wait thats porn..

22. Bird watcher?

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
either or

24. Do you have any pets?
dogs and cats

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I start clomid in 5 days.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
lots of stuff..

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

30. Always wear your seat belt?

31. Been in a car accident?
i have

32. Any pet peeves?
people touching my dairy products..lol

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
feta and spinache

34. Favorite Flowers?
gerber daisies

35. Favorite ice cream?
ummm I'd rather do froyo anyday

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

38. From whom did you get your last email?
your mom

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
an awesome maternity/baby stuff store

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

41. Like your job?
ha ha

42. Broccoli?
oh heavens yes

43. What was your favorite vacation?

44. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with?

45. What are you listening to right now?
the fan

46. What is your favorite color?

47. How many tattoos do you have?
umm 13 or 14

48. Coffee Drinker?

49. If you had to choose between being deaf or blind, which would you choose?

50. Pie or cake?
your mom
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Jul. 18th, 2010 @ 12:02 am hmm
Current Mood: excitedexcited
was inner turmoil PMS? possibly. yes folks we have a period, actually an early, much earlier than expected period. so essentially starting at 2330 I am going to count tomorrow as day one...on day 5 we bring on the clomid.
I hear clomid can make a level headed sane woman bat shit crazy and emotional...I wonder what it will do to me. lol..I don't really care.. just bring on the baby
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Jul. 17th, 2010 @ 09:50 am (no subject)
I'm having some serious innerconflict these days.
I pray, I talk to others, I don't know what to do. Well maybe I do.

On another note, I dreamt I was pregnant last nite.
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Jul. 9th, 2010 @ 12:30 pm 5
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