so very different today than it's ever been, than I had ever imagined it would be, and I am ok.....ish
Chronic Pain Fucking Sucks....
that being said, doing pain management in sobriety really fucking sucks....
I have not smoked, snorted, or otherwise allowed meth into my body in over 3 years. I have not taken a drink in almost 21 months. I have not taken a medication that was not for me in 8 months. I have not smoked marijuana in probably 3 and a half years or so. Thank god for all of the above. It makes no sense that I have remained sober throughout all of this, but then again, it doesn't have to makes sense.
In the last year and a half it has gone from what felt like a pull or strain from lifting a patient, to now having neuropathy completely down one leg, and making its way down the other. I have experienced pain far worse than I have ever known. I am 30 years old, and rejoice when I have a day that I can clean my own house. I spent the majority of the weekend in the ER with them not entirely successful at controlling my pain. The leg pain can be so bad, that I would pray for amputation if I wasn't so certain that I would end up with the worlds worst phantom pains, and a peg leg. lol. I see a Neurosurgeon soon, and am trying not to view the possible upcoming spinal surgery as a replay of the oh so well knows scene from predator where the entire spinal corn is ripped out.
However, I continue to be grateful for all that I have in my life, and just as importantly, all that I do not. I am filing a divorce from a woman who was everything I had ever wanted and needed when that was what I wanted and needed. I have changed, as have my wants and needs. This split has been one of the most painful and ugly things I have known. It's hard watching someone you care about not have the tools to handle things without explosively making them worse. I'm hurt, I'm mad, but mostly I'm just saddened.
I live alone in a fairly large house, and other than the fact I need to call on friends to help me with things here and there, I love it. I have two humongous and incredible dogs that just light up my life. I have an amazing girlfriend who shares my desire for a spiritual solution today. She lives out of town, for now, but will hopefully be coming home to me in the not toooooo distant future. I have never been one for patience, but am learning that this isn't my plan anymore, and acceptance is the only thing that will keep me semi sane.
I have found a woman who I can say is truly meant for me. There is a level of intimacy that is beyond anything I have ever known. A trust that is better than I could have dreamt of. She not only allows me to explore new parts of me, but encourages, supports and (thank god) participates without the putting me down for it that I had grown accustomed to. I don't have to pretend I am a Vanilla Bean.
I haven't eaten meat in over a year now, and I love it. I have learned new ways of cooking, new ways of eating, and a new way of living that has taken off 40 lbs since I left my wife.
That's my story, and I am sticking to it.